When a child is diagnosed with cancer, families can feel overwhelmed and confused by all the new people, information and emotions. Extended family and friends may want to help, but may simply not know how to be of assistance. Parents may be so exhausted while caring for their child that responding to well-meaning phone calls and requests for information can feel like a burden.
Parents often need concrete help with daily tasks such as caring for their other siblings, making meals, and keeping up with the household, but struggle to find the time or energy to organize what they need. Therefore, it can help to create a plan to handle all of the calls, tasks and messages of support, while conveying information to everyone who cares about the child.
Ideas for Parents and Caregivers
- Parents can designate one family member or friend to receive new medical information that they can in turn share with others.
- Parents can gather together a group of people who are most supportive and involved to share new information, so the same story does not need to be repeated over and over again.
- Medical staff can help to deliver difficult information to extended family members and siblings.
- Honesty with siblings and other children in the family is important, but it's helpful to convey information simply, in small doses, so that they can adjust to the new reality.
- Parents should feel free to tell loved ones that they are simply too tired to talk, but appreciate the support they are receiving.
- Family and friends will want to help, but may not know how or what to do. Parents are encouraged to make a list of practical tasks such as laundry, shopping, sibling transport and meal preparation. This list can be given to one person who might then coordinate any others who wish to be helpful. This way, parents do not need to ask for help directly, but can get the help they truly need.
- Parents can consider leaving a message on an answering machine thanking the caller and directing them to a person designated as the family spokesperson (or the person who is coordinating assistance).
- Parents should remember that they decide what information to share and with whom.
Ideas for Family and Friends
Family members and friends often feel concern and compassion for a child with cancer and their family, but are uncertain about how best to reach out and help. A vague offer of “Call me if you need anything” may not be very useful because it requires that the overwhelmed parents consider their needs and articulate them. Parents need a lot of support, but in these situations they simply may not have the time or energy to call. The best support can be a concrete offer for a job or service. When possible, it may be useful to coordinate a group of helpers, so that tasks can be divided and the family’s needs may be covered. There are lots of ways to be truly helpful.
- Grocery shop for food that is easy to prepare, or already prepared. Perishables should be limited, since the family may not be home much at the time of diagnosis. Basic supplies such as paper goods are also useful.
- Meals can be prepared and delivered to the hospital or home.
- Family pets may need daily care.
- Offers can be made to do laundry, clean the home, or water plants.
- Siblings may need to be picked up from school, taken to after-school activities, or driven to the hospital. They may even need to go to another home when parents are not available.
- Visits to the hospital are almost always appreciated, however visitors should check first with the parents. Please note that visitors should only go into patient rooms if they are feeling perfectly well. The child may not be able to fight off other illnesses while receiving chemotherapy. All visitors should be instructed to wash their hands before entering the child’s room, as hands commonly carry and transmit germs.
- Visitors can bring a movie or game to the hospital and offer to sit with the child, so that the parents can take a break or share a meal together.
- Visitors can sit with the parents and just let them talk, even saying nothing at all, while being a caring presence. A supportive and positive ear is important. Parents are often afraid and overwhelmed. They need all the love, compassion and positive energy they can get!
- Blood and platelet donations are often appreciated either for, or on behalf of the child.
- If needed, it might be a good idea to organize a benefit in the community on behalf of the child and family.
- Family members and friends tend to know the child and their family well, including what would soothe, ease, entertain and help them the most. Creative thinking is always welcome!
Barbara Jones, CSW, Albany Medical Center